


the view from halfway down

by angrylizardjacket (ephemeralstar)



Series: bless the children of the beast {charlotte & lola AU} [6]
Category: The Dirt (2019)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Mentions of Drug Addiction/Overdose, Parenthood, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23927698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeralstar/pseuds/angrylizardjacket
Summary: Lola goes to Charlotte for advice. Charlotte doesn't answer, mainly because she's not there.
Relationships: Nikki Sixx/Original Female Character(s), Original Female Character & Original Female Character, Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee (Mötley Crüe), Tommy Lee (Mötley Crüe)/Heather Locklear, Tommy Lee (Mötley Crüe)/Original Female Character(s)
Series: bless the children of the beast {charlotte & lola AU} [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1685215
Comments: 5
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

Every single moment since she’d set it down in her backyard, Lola has regretted stealing her father’s headstone. Not enough to take it back, mind you; if her mother cared enough about it being stolen, she’d get it replaced, but the fact of the matter is that it’s kind of morbid, sitting in it’s own little corner in the back yard, a bleak reminder of their own mortality. Stealing it was the sort of stunt only Charlotte could talk her out of, but the only thing Charlotte left behind was a daughter and an empty grave; no body, the ceremony was more for the living to find peace, which had only made Lola mad at the time. At least at the funeral she’d been able to feel angry, feel insulted on Charlotte’s behalf, been able to stand beside Tommy, the two of them casting withering looks at everyone who’d told them ‘ _sorry for your loss’._

_Yes,_ Charlotte’s lost, but she’s not _gone_. She’s _somewhere_ until her body’s _here._ This is an empty grave, a performance for the people who didn’t know her well to stop feeling bad about how there’s no body to bury, how she’s still probably out there -

But Lola still talks to Charlotte’s grave, because sometimes it’s all she has; she’s never been good at having friends; Lola’s half convinced the only reason she stayed as long as she did was because she was related to Tommy. However, as much as she loves the band, and the conversations with her father’s headstone, there’s some things that only Charlotte, even in death-or-disappearance, will understand. 

When the Doctor tells Lola she's eight weeks along, she's hit with an unmistakable wave of nausea, and not from the pregnancy. She won't say it out loud, because _oh god, oh fuck this is bad, this is so much worse than her usual shit,_ and not for the first time Lola wished Charlotte was here, to offer words of wisdom from someone who wasn't tangled in the web of sex and deceit Lola had made a home in, someone that actually cared about her and would help her think pragmatically about the situation, who wasn't in rehab and who wasn't married to one of her exes. 

Actually, Charlotte would definitely kick her ass first, but this time Lola's pretty sure she would have deserved it.

Four weeks ago, Nikki had overdosed and Lola had tried to kill herself.

Six weeks ago, Tommy married Heather.

Eight weeks ago to the day, Lola and Tommy slept together.

It’s been a busy two months, and the band is leaving for their next tour in a week. _Fuck_.

“I’ve done it, I’m pretty sure I’ve fucked my life up beyond repair,” Lola tells Charlotte’s empty grave, “again,” she concedes, before uncorking a bottle of wine with her teeth. Charlotte was a classy woman, Lola’s not going to chug hard liquor on her grave, even if she’s not there, she deserves better. Lola only ever drank cheap wine and smoked menthol cigarettes on Charlotte’s grave, and perhaps, knowing what she knows now, she considers she should stop. She will, she tells herself, eventually. 

Charlotte doesn’t answer, mostly because she’s not there. 

Lola likes to imagine it’s a reproachful silence, waiting for her to elaborate, so she takes a sip, building suspense for her imagined companion.

“I know I haven’t been here for a while, not since the night Tommy and Heather got hitched, god you would have been so proud of him, Charlie, I saw the photos in a gossip rag the next week, he looked so happy,” Lola takes a long gulp of wine and sits, back against the headstone, tears already welling in her eyes, “yeah, it’s been a while.” She muses, “things have gotten so fucked, Charlie, can you believe I tried to off myself? I can’t remember much of it beyond hearing that Nikki had died - he’s fine, by the way, he’s very much not dead - but apparently I’d cracked open some premium horse tranquilizers and a bottle of thirty year old imported scotch and decided to take a nap in the pool.” Lola sniffs, puts down the bottle, and fishes a cigarette and lighter from her pocket, holding it between her lips as she lights it, “Vince was pretty messed up about it, ‘bout Nikki of course, but he was the one that found me face down in the water an’ took me to hospital.”

Her hands shake at the memory of how frightfully pale Vince had been by her bedside,and how he’d been the only one there. Lola wonders, if she were here, if Charlotte would have been by her side, or if, perhaps, she could have pulled Lola back from the knife-edge before she’d even gone over it.

“That’s not- that’s fine now, we’re all fine now, I mean we’re not _fine_ fine, but it’s not why I’m here. If I wasn’t alive, I wouldn’t be here telling you how I’ve fucked up my life again, _anyways_ , I’m getting ahead of myself - would you like a drink?” Lola pauses, picks up the bottle of wine, and gives a quick pour to the dirt beside herself. Charlotte would have sighed, but accepted, and Lola gave her time to process all the information she’s just received, trying not to be too judgmental or concerned.

“I think I’m pregnant,” Lola hears herself murmur, looking at her hands, cigarette hanging from her lips, “no, I mean, I know I am, but I- it’s not Nikki’s, which, I don’t know, Charlie, I always thought -” Lola swallows hard, stilling her fidgetting fingers as she takes a long draft from the cigarette. Looking up at the stars, she licks her lips before exhaling.

“The kid’s Tommy’s, I’m pretty sure,” Lola watches the stars, “so the kid’ll be your... what? Your nephew or niece? Tommy’s your cousin, so I don’t know what this makes your kid, I’ll probably just call you the kid’s aunt. I haven’t started thinking of names yet, is that weird? I think I always just thought Nikki and I would have a family together in the end.” She blurts out, and seems startled to hear the words out loud. “Not that I don’t love Tommy, of course, fuck, I love him to the ends of the Earth, but he... god, Charlie you know he proposes to any girl who gives him the time of day, and he,” Lola shrugs, “he never even hinted that he wanted that with me.”

“Do you think he loves me still, Charlie? Do you think if I told him that the kid is his, that he’d just run? You know he’s happy with Heather, don’t you? I just don’t want to -” the words catch in Lola’s throat, and in her mind, she sees Charlotte shake her head, tired, exasperated, unsure of what to say.

“I fucked up, Charlie,” Lola sniffled, “and you know, Mick once told me that since you’re gone, I’m sometimes the only thing holding us all together, and I- what if I’m the thing that breaks them all apart, me and my fucking stupid decisions and no fucking self control... I don’t want to be responsible for that! Charlie, please come back,” she whimpers, “I don’t know what to do.”

Lola finishes the cigarette with tears in her eyes, gaze focused on the twinkling stars above, wishing Charlotte was there to say something, _anything_.

Charlotte doesn’t answer, mostly because she’s not there.


	2. Chapter 2

Lola doesn’t drink much anymore, or at least, she tries not to, now with her own daughter to worry about. Vasillisa Carlotta Lee, who Tommy and Lola just call Liss, is almost six months old, and she’s got Tommy’s hazel eyes, and Lola’s jet black hair, and a pair of lungs on her that puts them both to shame. Even Penny, who had initially sulked at the thought of no longer being the baby of the family, is pretty enamored with her, even though she’s only three. The other week, she convinced Tommy to buy her and Liss matching outfits, and asks every day if Liss is big enough for her’s yet. Penny’s not very good at waiting, but it’s kind of adorable, she’s already inherited Razzle’s love of instant gratification, but she’s learning.

Lola brings this information to Charlotte’s grave, though it’s not news. Any time anything happens with Penny, Lola writes it down in the handbook she’d co-opted for just such an occasion. It’s dated so she knows what she’s already told the empty grave, and also so when Charlotte returns - _because until there’s a body, Lola won’t give up hope_ \- she knows exactly what Penny’s been up to in her absence.

Penny’s development is not news this time, the ring on Lola’s finger is.

“He proposed a few days ago,” Lola looks at the ring on her left hand as she sits cross-legged in the grass, admiring the way the ring shone bright in the sunlight, “it was your aunt’s; I suppose there’s still some proposal surprises in him after all.” It sounds blasé, but Lola’s more moved by the sentimentality of it than she lets on, “Roxy’s was some cheap costume jewelry she’d bought herself, if you remember that, but Heather got that great big diamond... I prefer this though, if I’m being honest. It means more. Your aunt and Penny are both really excited; honestly I just think Penny’s excited about being a flower girl again, she could make a career out of it if Tommy -” Lola huffs out a laugh, shaking her head, finally tearing her gaze from the ring, to look at Charlotte’s name etched in stone, “I shouldn’t joke like that.”

“I want to marry him, you know I love him, Charlie, god, how many times did I cry to you when he proposed to Roxy -” though she turned serious, pointing at the headstone, “but I still stand by that if you tell anyone, I’ll gut you,” but she relaxed with a sigh, “sorry, I guess that’s in poor taste now.”

Charlotte had been Lola’s confidant when no-one else was able to; there was no way in the world Lola would ever admit to Nikki that Tommy’s various proposals broke her heart. Charlotte, for her part, tried her best to advise Lola, though just as Lola’s usual advice of ‘ _having feelings? Do crimes and/or drugs about it’_ wasn’t always applicable to far more level-headed woman, Charlotte’s advice didn’t always take into account the subtleties of Lola’s debauchery. But they did their best with each other; their hearts were in the right place.

“We’re actually gonna be family, and you’re not even here,” Lola grumbles, before her tone turns thoughtful, “did you ever see me actually marrying Tommy?” 

Charlotte loved her cousin dearly, but Lola was well aware that Charlotte thought she could do better. 

_“Lols, you guys live like rats;” Charlotte had once told her, “I know you love the boys, but you_ know _you don’t have to live like this, right?”_

 _“Is this because Peach is with that guy who was in the Twisted Sister video?” Lola asks, “did they do_ April Sun in Cuba _?” They do not, but Charlotte just rolls her eyes as Lola’s already off and humming.  
_

_“He’s on TV, Lols, and that’s so not the point; I’m sure there’s some nice guy - or girl - who could take you out to dinner and not make you run from the restaurateur without paying.” Charlotte tries, and Lola goes quiet, seriously considering her next words.  
_

_“Sugar daddies don’t usually like how many knives I carry -”  
_

_“Lola!” Charlotte crowed, and Lola shrugged helplessly, “I wasn’t suggesting_ that _-”  
_

_“You kind of were,” Lola shrugged helplessly, and Charlotte pinched the bridge of her nose.  
_

_“I’m just saying that maybe one day you won’t have to steal every meal.”  
_

Her heart was always in the right place, and in a way, she was right. Lola looks at the engagement ring on her finger. 

“Lola Lee,” she mutters to herself, “is it weird that it’s not weird? I feel like... like I’ve been waiting for this, I don’t know, like a lot shit is starting to pay off,” wrinkling her nose, she shakes her head, “god I sound like such a gold digger, you know I’m not, right? Be a lot of effort for a gold digger to go through, isn’t it? Roxy never lived like a rat,” Lola muses with a faint air of triumph, “I don’t know, I mean, I’ve loved him for so long, so _so_ long, I -” the words get caught in her throat, “I’ve seen him fall in and out of love so many times, and I just... I’ve held that torch, Charlie, I’ve always held that torch and wanted the best for him, and finally, well,” she shrugs, swallowing thickly, “I don’t know, I’m not actually used to getting what I want.”

“Everyone thinks I always get what I want, but it’s always what the boys want, _always_ , and I have my fun, of course, but... Charlie, I want to marry Tommy so bad, I have ever since he broke up with Roxy; I thought he wouldn’t want to settle down, but he does, _he does_.” This time, the tears in Lola’s eyes are from happiness. 

“And I thought Nikki would be my forever, but he’s _not_ , and you know what? That’s okay! I love Tommy and I’m not going to feel ashamed about it! I’m not going to fucking apologise; not to Nikki, not to _anyone_.” And she’s shaking with the relief, the joy she feels at speaking the words she’d held inside for _so damn long_.

“I wish you were here, Charlie, I wish you could see me now, I feel like a whole new person sometimes; you know I cried when he proposed, I really fucking did! He did it at dinner with his parents, and they- fuck they were so happy, I never imagined anyone would be happy to have me as family, but they do - I mean, apart from you. I think... I think your family just really likes me, fuck knows why,” Lola laughed, leaning her head back against the headstone, chuckling to herself. After a beat, however, her expression sobers.

“I don’t have a maid of honor,” she sighed gently, “Nikki’s gonna be best man; it’s not weird,” she winkles her nose involuntarily, “it’s kind of weird.” She admits, “but we still talk; he wants Liss to be raised in a better house than either of us were, so I think that’s his way of giving his blessing? He’s dating some playboy model now, Brandy; he’s always loved hard liquor.” Lola snorts, but she sighs a quick apology to no-one anyways, “we’re trying to be on good terms - me and Nikki, I haven’t even met Brandy. _That’s_ weird. I’m not used to not being a big part of Nikki’s life. I don’t regret my choice; we’re doing what’s best for Liss, it’s just... _weird_.”

“I’m thinking of asking Mick to be my bridesmaid,” she laughs a little at the thought, “I won’t put him in a dress, but it’s either that or ask him to give me away, and that feels weirder.” Though she added with a smile, “it would be weird to have dad’s headstone in attendance, but I kind of want it there; it’s symbolic, you know?”

No answer, unsurprisingly.

“No, you’re right, too morbid, even for me.”

In the end, Lola doesn’t have a maid of honor at her wedding, and everyone in attendance, her friends and family, almost everyone she cares about, understands; her first and only choice is missing.


	3. Chapter 3

“I’m conflicted, Charlie,” Lola’s smoking again, pacing back and forth in front of Charlotte’s grave with a cigarette between her fingers, wearing a neatly pressed suit with her hair tied back, on her lunch break, “Penny and Tommy are fighting again,” she paused, took a drag, and leveled a calculating look at the headstone, “well, actually,” she exhaled, “they’re not on speaking terms, which means Liss isn’t speaking to Tommy, and he’s spent the past week sulking.” Lola crossed her arms, chewing her lip in the silence, “she told him to fuck off the other day; six years old and that daughter of yours is already swearing like a sailor, Razz would have been in hysterics if he’d heard,” she mused, and took another drag before she resumed pacing.

“She wants to come visit you - this, not _you_ you,” Lola huffed a sigh and crumpled the butt of her cigarette against a neighboring headstone before pulling out another cigarette, “wants to talk to you like I do, but Tommy’s worried it’s gonna mess her up; I get where he’s coming from, but you’re her mom.”

“Did we do the right thing? Honestly I have no fucking clue what you would want in this situation. We told her that you and Razz love her, of course, but I know you’re somewhere, and so does Tommy, and we told her that, but I’m wondering if that was the right choice. _What would Charlotte do_? I asked myself that. I always do, I always try and think about what you’d want for Penny every time we make a decision about her. I always think about you, and I know Tommy does too.” Shaking her head, Lola paused, taking a moment of silence to consider the situation.

“It must be hard for her; I don’t know if she realises what we’re saying, or if she’s just going along with it because she’s six and doesn’t understand the concept of death properly,” Lola cleared her throat and averted her gaze, and went back to walking around, “sent some polaroids off to Hanoi last month, of Penny in her little Halloween costume; Cinderella, she always loved that one, always thought the cartoon looked like you. Tommy took her and Liss trick or treating dressed like Prince Charming, fuckin’ adorable. Liss went as the poison apple - her choice of course; kid spent the whole night cackling, running around the neighborhood spitting at other girls dressed like princesses. Apparently she would yell ‘ _there can be only one’,_ of course she meant Pen. What a terror,” Lola smirks a little and then sighs, giving a forlorn smile.

“But yeah, Pen and Tommy are fighting, which means Liss and Tommy are also fighting, because Liss thinks Penny shits rainbows or something,” Lola rolls her head from side to side, trying to relieve some of the tension as she spoke, “and I know I should be siding with Tommy, but I also think you’d want your daughter to be able to visit your grave, no matter how empty it is, and make up her own mind.”

“I don’t want to fuck up your kid, Charlie, I really don’t, and I don’t know what to do.” Lola looked to the sky, “listen, if you’re dead, or out there, give me a sign, _anything_ , please. _What would Charlotte do_?”

Silence. Not even a gentle breeze.

“Fuck you, Charlie,” though her heart’s not in it as she looks back at the headstone, “I think... I think if I tell her you’re dead, it’ll feel like I’m giving up, and I just... I can’t bring myself to let go, I don’t know how.” And it hits her, stumbling back, Lola presses a hand to her chest, expression aghast.

“I’ve turned into my fucking mother!” Lola physically gags at the thought, doubled over, retching against some poor soul’s tombstone.

“Oh jesus, oh fuck, Charlie, oh jesus fuck,” there’s immediate tears in her eyes and Lola tries not to cry as she puffs on the cigarette with anxious gusto, “I’m not- she _knows_ you’re dead, and that you love her, I’m not- I’m _not_ my mother,” she’s trying to assure herself more than anything. “ _I’m not my mother_.” She whispered around her cigarette.

“I can’t be like Irene, I just - I’d rather die, we gotta let her make up her own mind.” Lola decided with a firm nod; “I promise, Charlie, I will keep Pennylope safe and happy and healthy, I promise,” she paused, “and she knows you love her, I promise she knows.” Lola sighed, before checking her watch, tone switching to one of annoyance.

“Do you think you’ll ever come back?” The breeze picks up a little, but is still so unbelievably quiet, “I have no idea what I’d do if you did, cry maybe? Probably just bring you to Penny, it’d be selfish to do anything else, wouldn’t it?” Lola huffs out a long sigh, and flicks her cigarette butt away, before getting a third to chain-smoke before her break is over, “don’t worry,” she says as she lights it, “she’d recognize you; there’s photos of you and Razz all over the house and in her room,” Lola licks her lips, pauses and takes a drag before the next words leave her. 

“Tommy’s her legal guardian, which, of course I know you know, you were the one to make him Godfather, but,” Lola hesitates, “we’ve been talking about officially adopting her,” squeezing her eyes shut, Lola throws her head back and rubs at her temples, voice exasperated, “and I know it’s stupid to tell you because you’re not actually here, and you haven’t been for years, and it means that I can make important decisions for her regarding like, school and healthcare and shit when Tommy’s on tour and not here to sign, but -” slowly exhaling, Lola looks down at the grave, “it still feels weird. I love the kid to death, but we both know I’m not her mom, I’m not even playing at being her stepmom, I’ve always been Auntie Lola, and Tommy’s always been her uncle, even though she and Liss and like siblings and -” Lola’s rambling now, words spilling as she tries to justify this all to an empty grave. 

“I just don’t want you to come back and think I’m trying to take your place, but I think... I think it’s what’s best for her, and Razz’s parents agree, and your folks do too, and Liss and Penny are so excited to be real sisters...” Lola heaves a sigh, “you’ll always be her mom, Charlie, _always,_ but... I don’t know, I just needed to run it past you,” she shrugs, “or something like that.”

“ _What would Charlotte do_?” She asks herself gently, closing her eyes. After a long moment, Lola takes a deep breath and nods resolutely, “whatever was best for Penny.”


	4. Chapter 4

Lola places flowers on Charlotte's empty grave, and sits cross-legged before it. Its a Wednesday afternoon, Lola's wearing a pale sweater over a rose-printed sundress, splotches of bright paint in primary colours adorning her hands as the evidence of her morning's activities wherein she'd been helping Penny's class with their Easter arts and crafts. For a moment that feels like an eternity, there is silence, her lips drawn into a tight line, resting against her steepled fingers. Not that she'd admit it, but she's become somewhat unrecognisable to herself.

"Tommy's a really good dad, you know, at least he tries," Lola started, voice little more than a whisper, "you know he hosted Liss's sleep-over birthday party on his own while I spent the night in my office scheduling Def Leppard's next tour; says a lot about me, doesn't it?" The words come out sour, her own thinly veiled self loathing reading loud and clear. "She's five, you know, and Penny's eight; where does the time go? I know I say this every time, but every day she's looking more like you, its a little terrifying." Lola laughs but there's no humour in it.

"I feel like such an asshole," Lola admits, hanging her head, "I know she'll have other birthdays, but five  _ feels  _ important, you know?" Lola sighs deeply, "even Slash was there! I know! Saul fucking Hudson was at my daughter's birthday and I wasn't… but that's because Penny invited his son. They're in the same class; me 'nd Tommy didn't even realise until a few weeks ago, what a small world," her smile, though small, is fond and genuine, "Johnny -  _ that's his son _ \- has got his hair and his smile, and I think Penny's got half a crush. It's kind of adorable," Lola pauses, looking at Charlotte's name engraved on the headstone, "wish you could be here to see it." 

"I feel like the villian in a Christmas movie," Lola mutters after a moment, and the way the wind whistles through the trees almost sounds like laughter, but the mood shift quickly.

"Charlie, you know me better than anyone; did I make a mistake? Because you know I love Tommy, and he loves me, but," Lola chewed her lip for a moment in hesitation, averting her gaze from the headstone, "we're not happy. Neither of us are really happy anymore; I mean Tommy's happiest when he's in the studio or with our girls…" she trails off, quietly dejected, unable to voice the thoughts that hurt her the most.

"The kids at Liss's school talk about me to her," Lola swallows hard, "and she talks to Tommy, and he tells me, but she never talks to me about it. Apparently, according to some five-year-old I'm neglectful, and I know, okay,  _ I know  _ that's just shit they parrot from their parents, even though half of those rich assholes aren't even around as often as me, they pawn their kid off to their fucking nannies, but they have thr gall -" cutting herself off before she can get too worked up, Lola swallows hard, eyes pressed shut tightly. 

"I'm trying, okay, but I know I'm not fucking perfect. I don't… I don't think I'm what's best for Liss and Penny right now," after a beat, Lola takes a deep breath, "and I don't think I'm what's best for Tommy."

"Maybe I am neglectful," she muses forlornly, "I don't feel like myself anymore; I'm CEO of a company, I'm signing some of thr biggest rock bands in the world, but I still don't _get_ being a mother as much as I try, and its been _five years_ \- Vince hit me with an _'I told you so'_ the other day," she half laughs, "always told me it'd be tough raising kids in my situation. We grabbed lunch the other day and fuck, I didn't realise how much I missed talking to him until it was just the two of us. I'm managing him now too, the lunch was more of a business meeting than anyhing else; he's going solo, and that's caused a bit of tension with Tommy - me and Tommy. It's not a betrayal, its business, and I told him that; he still didn't seem happy." Lola rolled her eyes, "its not like I _stopped_ managing Motley."

"He called me a workaholic, and maybe he's right. Replaced one addiction with another," but Lola shakes her head, "he is right, he just doesn't seem to understand. I've been hustling since I was fifteen, I never grew out of that mindset of 'if I don't work me and everyone I care about will literally starve to death'. Its not an excuse, but I don't want to see someone about it becausr then I'll have to deal with the rest of my shit, and that, at least, I'm managing prettt okay." But thr scrunch of her face betrays her lie, and she quickly concedes, voice growing quiet.

"He told me Nikki and Brandi got divorced the other day, and whatever reaction showed on my face… wasn't the one he was expecting… or had hoped for." She admits, shame burning through her veins, "We've had this discussion before, you know I started drinking again when they got married - how we ignored that fucking red flag I'll never understand; Tommy sent me back to rehab and I guess we both thought I'd gotten it all out of my system, Nikki and the booze." She clarifies, "of course he knows I'm always gonna love Nikki in some way, but I guess we've both been trying to ignore it, just sort of thinking its mostly in the past. God I'm a fucking asshole, it sounds so selfish, to just proclaim I'm no good for my family and leave."

"I'm not leaving," she adds in a hurry, "I'd never abandon them, but I think I need to talk to Tommy." 

The wind goes quiet and the sun peaks through the clouds, through the leaves of the trees, warming Lola like a hand on her shoulder.

"I never wanted to hurt him," Lola sniffles, "and I have no fucking clue what I'm gonna tell the girls." She admits, "and I'm so scared they're gonna grow up to hate me, even though I'm trying to do what's best for them. Liss thinks her dad hangs the stars in the sky; she'd never forgive me if I made him sad." She's crying now, hunched over with her head in her hands, "I just want us to be happy again; all I want is for Tommy to be happy, and for our girls to be safe and loved, that's all I've ever wanted, I swear, Charlie."


	5. Chapter 5

"Vasillisa's boycotting her weekends with me for the foreseeable future," Lola sighs with a strange sort of fondness, "mostly because I told her about Nikki and I having a new baby; she told me the only way I could make it up to her was Backstreet Boys tickets, and got all pissy when I reminded her that I don't manage them," she snickered, adding, "Spice Girls tickets are _not_ an acceptable substitute, apparently." Looking at the dates on Charlotte's gravestone, Lola finds herself sharply reminded that these names would mean nothing to Charlotte.

"She wasn't nearly this mad about Brandon when Tommy and Pam told her, but she's always been kind of a daddy's girl," though her smile is a little sad as she concedes on this point, "I'm just glad she likes Leo well enough now; you remember she tried to throw him in the ocean the first time we took them both to the beach? Kind of funny now you consider he thinks the world of her. Whenever she stays with us she ropes him into being her little minion, they're kind of sweet together, especially when Penny's around."

"Charlie I wish you were here, it was so cute;" Lola gushes, leaning forward, her eyes shining with adoration, "Penny's looking to audition for the cheerleading team now that she's in high school, and she taught the tryout routine to Liss and Leo when she was babysitting them last week; Leo performed it for me and Nikki after he came back, that boy's got confidence coming out of his ears already," she beams, voice alight with pride.

"He's excited about the baby too, but he's excited about everything nowadays; he got glasses over the summer; we hadn't realised how badly he needed them, poor boy's practically blind. He spends a lot of time in the garden now, always showing me cool bugs and flowers, and found my dad's headstone the other day, well, rediscovered," Lola explains, "read dad's name and saw it said ' _Leo_ ' in it and asked if it was for him. Had to explain that it was for someone who meant a lot to me, and that we'd named him that because now _he_ meant a lot to me. He seemed happy enough with that."

"School started back up again a few weeks ago," she sighs, finally sitting down, "every year, like clockwork," she snorts, "Penny wanted me to tell you that she's enjoying high school so far, and she's sorry she didn't visit over summer, but that she had a blast as camp councillor, and she'll be by soon." Lola paused, her smile gentle as she enjoyed the sunlight, feeling a warm contentment blossom in her chest. 

"I never went to high school," Lola admits, and its strange to think the fact has never come up before for all the time she's spent pouring her heart out to Charlotte, both when she'd been alive, and when she was simply a headstone, "between what happened with mom, the trial, moving to a group home, and running away with Nikki, no-one ever bothered to enrol me. I know Tommy never _graduated_ high school, but he still went, you know? And you -" Lola cuts herself off with a sigh, shaking her head. "I'm just proud of Penny is all; without a doubt, our kids are gonna end up outshining us all." With that,Lola places a hand on the faintly noticeable swell of her stomach, smiling.

"I'm really excited, you know, about this one; I'm getting an ultrasound tomorrow, first one for this little peanut," she pats her stomach fondly, "we've already got a couple of names in mind, unearthed some lists from when we had Leo. We've run out of parents we want to honor, so we've been thinking Cerie if its a girl, or Cyrus if its a boy, no real special meaning, we just both like them. I kind of want their middle name to be Michael, or Michelle, for Mick; the fact that that geezer still treats me like family after everything we've been through, well I want to honor that, you know? Don't want it as a first name though, I think that's a bit much," she chuckles a little. 

"I can hear you asking ' _why not Vince_ ' - actually, no, I can't for many reasons, the main one being that I don't think _you'd ever_ advocate for me naming any part of my child after Vince Neil," Lola pauses, "also because of the whole, you know," she blusters, gesturing to the grave, "but Nikki respects my weird pseudo-parental relationship with Mick, and Vince is... Vince." It's said with a fond smile, and an implied _its different, you understand._ Lola's quiet for a long while, and sucks a breath in through her teeth as she stares out at the horizon, fidgetting for a moment. After a beat, she scratches at the nicotine patch on her arm. 

"Sometimes I just get these weird cravings, and I'm worried its not working, but it is and they're just pregnancy cravings; I literally forget every time how much I start jonesing for some spearmint, its not as bad as my heroin cravins were, and there's no patch for that," she adds, "they're better now, though; its like my old cigarette itch. I can't chainsmoke spearmint but I fucking wish I could." Lola looks to the gravestone, "did you get cravings? Its been so long since Penny was just a peanut, I can't remember. I bet it was something weird too, like bananas with mayonaise, and Razzle would probably already have them ready before you'd even ask, and say something baffling like," and Lola puts on a terrible impression of Razzle's accent when she speaks through her smile, " _back in the UK, tha's just gravedigger's biscuits, innit love?_ "

"The UK doesn't know what biscuits are," Lola adds with a snort and a roll of her eyes, smirking. 

"The kid's put a hold on the wedding plans though; looks like if we survive Y2K we'll be getting hitched in the new millennium. Finally," she adds with an amused little smile, before her expression drops to something hesitant, "I was thinking of asking Penny to be my Maid of Honor, but thought I should run it by you first; I've got a few girls from the office for bridesmaids - its strange, I've actually got, like, friends now, just took me forty years to learn how to make them, instead of getting lucky like when you decided I was worth it. Also, I know I've said this before, but I really am sorry about how shitty I was as a friend at times; you were much better to me than I deserved, but I think you know that," Lola's expression is self deprecating, but her words are honest. 

"I want Penny as my Maid of Honor," Lola repeats, adding, "it makes sense. And Pam's also a bridesmaid, which makes less sense, but you know, we actually get along really well, which I think surprised both of us. Tommy is unsurprisingly Nikki's best man, and its genuinely not weird this time," Lola laughs easily as she explains her wedding plans to no-one. "He's both of our best friends, which tends to confuse everyone else, but that's just how things worked out, and we're just," Lola actually grins as she lets out a chuckle amid a sigh of contentment, "we're happy, Charlie. I know it took forty fucking years, but it feels like.my life's finally worked out." And she gives the grave a fond smile, "the only thing missing is you."


	6. Chapter 6

"You look like someone I used to know," Lola goes to apologise to the woman she's stopped on the street who's the spitting image of a young Charlotte, reminding herself that in this day and age, Charlotte would be either dead or sixty, but the woman looks startled, looks caught out, and after a beat she fixes Lola with a calculating stare.

"Do I know you?" The woman isn't hostile, seems genuinely curious, and fuck she even sounds like Charlotte. Every woman in LA _kind of_ sounds like Charlotte, Lola has to remind herself, just as the woman gives a strange little smile, "you look really familiar."

"I get that a lot," Lola gives a laugh, "I'm Lola Sixx; have you seen _The Dirt?_ It just came out -" but as Lola speaks, the woman's mouth opens in surprise, and her eyes widen.

" _Lola._ " No-one in the world says her name quite like that, apart from one Charlotte Lee. "I'm really sorry, I have to -" the woman starts, forcing a smile all of a sudden, "I did see The Dirt, it was great, it was- that's definitely how I know you-" worda spill from her in a suddenly frantic mess, but Lola knows better, knows the truth in her heart, that Charlotte, this strangely-young, strangely-alive, strangely- _here_ Charlotte is the same Charlotte she's been mourning for forty years. 

"Charlie, you look great," the words come out like a startled gasp, because what else is there to say, this can't be real - "am I going crazy?" Lola asks with half a laugh, and the nervous, flighty look on Charlotte's face melts to something soft. 

"You're not going crazy," instinct kicks in and already Charlotte's reassuring Lola, stepping in, a gentle hand on the older woman's shoulder; "do you remember that one weirdly themed birthday I threw for Razz?" Charlotte asks, and Lola's brow furrows for a moment before her expression lights up, "well if I rightly remember, that was the night Razz told me he was going on tour, and you and Nikki pulled the shower curtain railing down when you were having sex in the tub;" and its all coming back to Lola as clear as day, her vision clouding a little with tears as she smiles fondly at the memory, "and we were all dressed up like Razz, remember? Peach had died Vince's hair."

Even a devoted fan wouldn't have been able to sleuth out information that detailed, and with Charlotte's identity confirmed, Lola surges forward, wrapping her in a hug.

"I almost didn't recognise you with the suit," Charlotte's words muffle against Lola's shoulder, while the older woman was shaking with emotions she hadn't even realised herself capable of feeling.

"Charlie, holy shit," are all the words Lola can form, and Charlotte hugs her tighter. 

"Yeah," she answers weakly, a slight tremor in her voice. Lola's tearing up, but her grip's still like iron all these years later, which Charlotte takes comfort in. "Lols, you look so old!" Charlotte hears herself say, but only regrets it for the barest moment before Lola's pulling away, beaming. 

"Who would have thought I'd make it this far," she snorts, and gently dabs at her eyes, "let me buy you lunch." She insists, and Charlotte, who isn't quite sure what reaction she was expecting, but this wasn't it. Maybe she'd been expecting waterworks, or for Lola to start outright freaking out, but here she is, smiling, offering her hand, and Charlotte's half worried the reality hasn't hit her yet. With a strained smile, Charlotte takes her hand.

"Sure, sounds great," but the nervousness bleeds through her words and Lola's expression falls.

"I mean, if you'd rather, we don't have to do it somewhere public; I could cook us something, I'm sure Nikki would be so glad to see -" she tries, giving Charlotte's hand a gentle squeeze, but Charlotte shakes her head vehemently.

" _No_."

The realization hits Lola, and she can't help her soft gasp.

"No-one else knows you're here, do they?"

Charlotte shakes her head.

"Not even Penny?"

"This," Charlotte can't look Lola in the eyes, "this isn't the place to discuss this." But she doesn't let go of Lola's hand, "let's get lunch." She agrees, and lets Lola lead. The space between them feels like _eons,_ and Charlotte's marveling at just how much Lola's changed, how stable she seems. She's carrying a purse, wearing a well-tailored black and she thinks she catches a glimpse of a red sole on the bottom of Lola's heels. She looks like she's got her shit together. There's still more earrings in her ears than months in the year, but Charlotte finds she's just glad Lola's not lost her personality in the modern world.

For all the internet articles and Instagram stalking Charlotte has done, none of it compares to seeing Lola before her, alive, successful, _well-balanced._ Of course she knows about what’s happened, all of Lola’s kids, her brief stint as Tommy’s wife and current status as one of Penelope’s legal guardians, but it’s jarring to think that only a few months ago for Charlotte - _which was forty years for the rest of the world -_ she’d seen Lola passed out in a gutter outside of Izzy Stradlin’s house; times certainly have changed.

The cafe Lola takes her to is surprisingly rustic, and the man at the server's desk gives a warm smile before he leads both women out the back, to a more secluded back area littered with plants and sunlight, so green in the middle of the grey and blue urban jungle. He brings them a pitcher of ice water and two glasses and promises to be back after they've had time to look at the menu.

"They do a great lychee and apple juice," Lola's surprisingly nonchalant as she picks up the menu, but Charlotte's just watching her.

"They do?" And there's a hint of a laugh in Charlotte's voice, but absolute sincerity in Lola's answering nod, "you're so... grown up." Charlotte muses quietly, taking a hold of the menu on it's little wooden clipboard. Lola doesn't say anything, just makes an amused noise in the back of her throat, Charlotte's brow furrows; "you're taking this all surprisingly well."

"I've gotta say, I feel very vindicated right now," Lola smirks, still looking at her menu. 

"Vindicated?"

"I knew you were somewhere, I knew you weren't dead." Finally meeting her gaze, there's that recognizable spark of mischief in Lola's eyes and Charlotte feels her heart in her throat. Lola drops her gaze again, "have you seen Penny?"

"Not in person," Charlotte admits, and finally looks to the menu, "she's so gorgeous, Lols; she smiles just like Razz." And it's said with a chuckle, which Lola echos, before humming in agreement. "I think that's kind of why I never wanted her to see me, here and now that is..." Charlotte admits, "coming back without him, it would feel right, even though I couldn't control it, you know? I don't want to... mess her up."

"I always did what was best for her, always what I thought you'd want for her," Lola tells her sincerely, before asking tentatively, "so you... you know about Razzle?" She asks gently, and Charlotte nods, sighing deeply, "I'm so sorry, Charlie."

"Don't apologise, it was, what, forty years ago?" Charlotte forces a smile, but Lola drops her menu and reaches over the table to give her hand a reassuring squeeze. Charlotte's forced expression turns sad but genuine, "I lost everyone at once, Lols, I've taken my time to grieve, I promise." 

"I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through," Lola tells her, before frowning, "were- were you alone or -?"

"Peach and Eileen were are here too, still wreaking havoc, as we always do," Charlotte says with a smile, and Lola's face lights up, and then, suddenly, all at once, everything comes crashing down. In the back corner of a little, out of the way cafe, Lola, almost sixty years old, bursts into tears. She's babbling apologies, face in her hands, and the _last_ thing Charlotte ever wanted to do was be the cause of Lola's sadness, but she's lost, trying to comfort Lola when she knows that no amount of comfort would help, that she just needed _time_ to work through all this new information.

"Penny is _older than you_ ," Lola finally finds the words through her tears, and Charlotte's shocked into silence; strange as it is, she'd never really considered that, "how in the fuck am I supposed to reconcile these facts in my head? Because I've been talking to your gravestone for _fucking years_ , and now you're _here_ and you look _the exact same_ as the last time I saw you; my oldest kid is older than you too, did you know that? The fact that you're here, looking the way you look, fuck, I know I'm going crazy, I _know_." 

The waiter goes to approach them, but immediately turns back around to give them space. 

Charlotte moves from her chair, tears in her eyes as she wraps Lola up in a hug.

"My mind doesn't believe it's really you; I know it is, because I'd know you anywhere, but it just... it doesn't make sense."

"I know." Charlotte murmurs, "I'm sorry; I never wanted to leave you guys, I promise, _I promise_." Which only makes Lola cry harder. "It was out of our control, Lols -"

"I know, I'm sorry I'm such a mess, it just... it doesn't make sense, and I'm just like, remembering every single time Tommy and I told Penny that you were out there, looking for her, _loving her_ , and I was fucking right and part of me never thought I would be. We did a whole donation drive to try and find you and the girls, even though your fucking parents were telling us to let it- let it go," her head's resting on the table now, and Charlotte's got her forehead against Lola's shoulder blade.

"I'm so sorry, Lols, I never wanted to make you sad -"

"I'm just sad that you missed so much; none of us deserved that, _least of all you_."

"Tell me about them."

"What?" Lola's crying stops for her confusion, and she looks up; Charlotte's wiping the tears from her own cheeks.

"Tell me about all the moments; everything worth remembering, I wanna hear about them from you, not from the internet, not from a movie, _from you,_ " she paused, before giving a half smile, "or would you rather talk to my empty grave?"

"You, Charlie, _fuck_ , always you."


End file.
